How our relationships shape who we become
We often think of our personality as something that resides within us and is fairly stable. But research shows that there is another side to it: how we are and how we behave is influenced by who we are with and which settings we find ourselves in.
This is usually described as the relational perspective. It means that a person cannot be fully understood in isolation from their relationships, their surroundings and the settings in which they live and develop.
Think about how you are with different people. With some you become more talkative and playful. With others you become calmer and more cautious. In some relationships you dare to say what you think. In others you may start to doubt yourself.
That does not mean we have different personalities. Rather, it shows that different parts of us can emerge in different social settings.
Development happens in interplay
Our relationships influence, among other things, what we expect of ourselves, how we interpret situations and how we choose to act. People who know us well may also have expectations about how we usually are. Sometimes that can lead us to keep behaving in old ways, even when we have in fact changed.
From a relational perspective, development is therefore something that happens in the interplay between the individual and their surroundings. Bronfenbrenner's ecological systems theory describes how a person is influenced by several interconnected environments – for example the family, the school, the peer group and wider society. What we encounter in these settings can affect our opportunities, our relationships and our image of ourselves.
Research on close relationships also shows that other people can influence our development towards – or away from – the person we want to be. This is often called the Michelangelo phenomenon. Just as a sculptor can shape a statue, the people close to us can help us more easily develop and express the qualities that matter to us.
Someone who listens to us, believes in us and gives us the chance to try new things can, for instance, make it easier for us to become more confident and independent. In the same way, negative expectations or repeated negative interactions can make it harder to show other sides of ourselves.
It is therefore not a matter of other people determining who we are. Relationships are created together, and we influence one another. But it is important to understand that the social setting matters for how we think, feel and act.
What it means at school
This applies at school too. A student can be active and self-assured in one group but quiet and cautious in another. A student who is often told they are good at something may begin to dare more. A student who repeatedly experiences that others do not listen may instead begin to withdraw.
A description of the student therefore says rather little on its own. It needs to be read alongside a description of what is happening around them.
What expectations does the student meet? What do their relationships look like? Does the student get the chance to succeed, to have influence and to feel that they matter? And which behaviours and qualities become possible to show in this particular group?
Understanding a person therefore also means understanding their social setting.
Further reading
Bronfenbrenner, U., & Morris, P. A. (2006). The bioecological model of human development. In W. Damon & R. M. Lerner (Eds.), Handbook of Child Psychology (6th ed., Vol. 1, pp. 793–828). Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.