Self-compassion at school
"I should have managed that."
"Everyone else seems to understand."
"How could I be so stupid?"
When something goes wrong, it is easy to speak to yourself in a way we would never speak to a friend. But what if we could practise a different way?
What self-compassion is
Self-compassion is about meeting yourself with the same kind of understanding and care that we might show another person who is struggling. It does not mean we should stop expecting things of ourselves. Nor does it mean saying that a poor result is good when it is not.
It is rather about being able to say "That did not go the way I wanted. It feels hard. What do I need to do now?" instead of "I failed – so I am a failure."
What does the research say?
The research in this area is fairly extensive. A meta-analysis from 2019 brought together 27 randomised controlled trials of interventions aimed at developing self-compassion. The researchers found positive effects in several areas, including self-compassion, stress, anxiety, depressive symptoms and self-criticism. The effects varied between different areas and groups, so the results should not be read as meaning that self-compassion solves every problem. But taken together, the research supports the idea that the capacity can in fact be trained.
Why it is interesting at school
School is full of situations where we compare ourselves, make mistakes and are told what we need to develop. A test result, a presentation or a failure can easily become more than information about what we need to practise. It can start to feel like a judgement about who we are.
This is where self-compassion can make a difference. Students can practise noticing their self-critical voice and learn to put into words that something genuinely feels hard. They can learn to distinguish between "I failed at this" and "I am a failure." Above all, they can learn to ask themselves what would be a helpful next step.
So this is not kindness as opposed to development. It can rather be a way of making it easier to keep developing when something goes wrong. Just as compassion for others can be practised in everyday life, self-compassion can be practised in small moments.
After a mistake, "How can I meet myself now in a way that helps me move on?" is a question a student can learn to put to themselves.
Further reading
Ferrari, M., Hunt, C., Harrysunker, A., Abbott, M. J., Beath, A. P., & Einstein, D. A. (2019). Self-compassion interventions and psychosocial outcomes: A meta-analysis of RCTs. Mindfulness, 10, 1455–1473. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-019-01134-6
Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion focused therapy: Distinctive features. Routledge.