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Being able to handle quarrels

Quarrels and conflicts are a natural part of social relationships, especially in school settings where students collaborate, compete and share resources. Research shows that conflicts are not in themselves problematic – what matters is how they are handled. The ability to handle quarrels is therefore a central part of students' social and emotional development.

Why do quarrels arise? – a socio-cognitive perspective​

According to the theory of social information processing (Crick & Dodge), conflicts often arise from how individuals interpret social situations. The process can be simplified into several steps:

  • Perceiving the situation – what happened?
  • Interpreting intentions – was it deliberate or a mistake?
  • Formulating a goal – what do I want to happen now?
  • Choosing a strategy – how should I act?

Quarrels often arise when the interpretation becomes negative, for example if a student interprets a situation as deliberately unfair or unkind. Such interpretations can quickly escalate the conflict.

Common causes of conflict​

Research shows that conflicts at school often concern:

  • Limited resources (e.g. materials or spaces)
  • Different goals or wishes (e.g. in group work)
  • Emotional needs (being listened to, included)
  • Experiences of unfairness

When these situations are combined with strong emotions, the risk that conflicts escalate increases.

Emotions and quick reactions​

During conflicts, quick, emotion-driven reactions are often activated. Students may then:

  • react impulsively
  • find it harder to think clearly
  • focus more on "winning" than on understanding

That is why handling conflict is largely about emotion regulation – being able to pause and not act immediately on one's first impulse.

The metaphor of the knot – acting in time​

The metaphor of a knot in a rope captures an important insight from the research:

  • A knot dealt with straight away is usually easy to undo
  • A knot you keep pulling and pulling at becomes tighter and harder to loosen

Conflicts work in the same way:

  • If students quickly pause, talk and try to sort out what has happened, the conflict is often manageable
  • If instead you keep reacting impulsively, blaming each other or avoiding the problem, the conflict tends to intensify and become more locked in

Research shows that early, calm interventions in conflicts reduce the risk of escalation.

Conflict resolution as a trainable ability​

Handling quarrels is about several skills that can be developed:

  • Perspective-taking – understanding how others experience the situation
  • Communication – expressing what you feel and need
  • Problem-solving – finding solutions that work for several people
  • Self-regulation – managing impulses and strong emotions

These abilities help students "undo knots" instead of tightening them.

Conflicts as an opportunity for learning​

Research shows that conflicts can also contribute to development, if they are handled in the right way:

  • students practise collaboration and negotiation
  • they develop empathy
  • they learn that relationships can be repaired

These are important skills both at school and later in life.

Implications for teaching​

For teachers, this means that students may need support in:

  • understanding how their interpretations affect conflicts
  • identifying what triggered a quarrel
  • pausing before they react
  • putting emotions and needs into words
  • practising finding shared solutions

It is also important to create an environment where conflicts can be handled early and constructively. The focus is on developing strategies for pausing, understanding the situation and "undoing the knot" before it becomes too hard to loosen.