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Being able to cope when things don't turn out as you wanted

Things not turning out as planned is a natural part of life, but it can stir up strong emotions in students. Research within stress and emotion psychology shows that such situations often involve a form of psychological resistance – a gap between expectations and reality. How students handle this matters greatly for both wellbeing and learning.

Stress as a reaction to broken expectations​

According to Lazarus and Folkman's stress and coping theory, stress arises when a person experiences that a situation threatens something important – for example an expectation, a goal or a plan.

When something does not turn out as expected, the following often happens:

  • Primary appraisal: "This isn't how I wanted it – it feels negative"
  • Secondary appraisal: "Can I do anything about it?"

If the student experiences low control over the situation (e.g. the weather or others' decisions), emotions such as frustration, disappointment or anger can arise. These reactions are not problems in themselves – they are a normal part of how we react to obstacles and changes.

Having control or a lack of control – a central distinction​

An important principle in coping research is to distinguish between:

  • What can be influenced (e.g. what I do now, how I re-plan)
  • What cannot be influenced (e.g. the weather, others' decisions, what has already happened)

Attempts to control the uncontrollable tend to increase stress and the experience of resistance. Stress decreases, however, when a person directs their energy towards what can actually be influenced.

Acceptance and psychological flexibility​

Modern research highlights the concept of psychological flexibility, which is about being able to adapt when circumstances change. A central part of this is acceptance:

  • acknowledging that the situation is as it is
  • allowing emotions without getting stuck in them
  • being able to move on even though things did not turn out as planned

Acceptance does not mean liking the situation, but stopping the struggle against what cannot be changed. This frees up energy to act constructively instead.

Finding new paths – reorientation and problem-solving​

When a plan does not work, a person often needs to adjust. Research shows that this involves:

  • Cognitive reappraisal: seeing the situation from a broader perspective
  • Problem-solving: identifying alternative courses of action
  • Goal flexibility: being able to adjust goals or sub-goals

For example, a cancelled activity can be replaced with something else that still meets an important need (e.g. community, recovery or experience).

Emotional regulation in the face of setbacks​

Handling disappointment is also about emotional regulation – the ability to understand and influence one's own emotions. Common strategies highlighted by research are:

  • putting the emotion into words ("I'm disappointed")
  • taking a pause before reacting
  • directing attention towards the next step instead of what did not happen

These strategies help the student not get stuck in negative emotions, but gradually return to a more balanced state.

Resistance as part of learning​

Within educational research, it is emphasised that resistance and obstacles are not just something to avoid – they are also a central part of development:

  • students practise perseverance and problem-solving
  • they develop realistic expectations
  • they learn to cope with uncertainty

Meeting and handling setbacks is therefore an important part of both academic learning and socio-emotional development.

Implications for teaching​

For teachers, this means that students may need support in:

  • understanding that disappointment and frustration are normal reactions
  • distinguishing between what they can and cannot control
  • practising acceptance when something cannot be changed
  • developing strategies for re-planning and finding alternatives
  • putting their emotions into words and regulating them

An important element is also modelling an approach where changes and obstacles are seen as manageable rather than threatening. The focus is on developing acceptance, flexibility and problem-solving ability – skills that help students move on when things do not turn out as they had imagined.